


How to be Spider-Man

by TheDisneyOutsider



Series: Iron Dad and His Spider-Son [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Drunk Peter Parker, Intoxication, Ned Leeds Isn't Always a Great Influence, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Some Humor, Teenagers don't always make the best choices..., Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, alcohol consumption, bad decision making
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 11:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24968794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDisneyOutsider/pseuds/TheDisneyOutsider
Summary: “Tony, I think my senses are in overload, I’m going to throw up!”“It’s not sensory overload Pete, you're drunk.”“I’m drunk? I thought my name was Peter!”“You know, you’re pretty giddy for a kid who was just seconds away from throwing-- yep there it is.”
Relationships: Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Iron Dad and His Spider-Son [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1796242
Comments: 6
Kudos: 184





	How to be Spider-Man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AimAim94](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AimAim94/gifts).



> This was requested by my lovely friend, AimAim94, go read her work, it's great!
> 
> Also, this was not supposed to be 4000 words long! The story got away from me!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!

Peter was laying on his bed at the tower, texting his best friend, Ned. He was staying with Tony at the tower for two weeks while May visited her sick sister in North Carolina.

**NL: So you wanna sleepover tomorrow night?**

Tomorrow night was Saturday night, and although it was very common for the boys to sleep at each other’s places on the weekends, it was rare that Ned asked when he knew Peter was with Tony.

**PP: I’m at Tony’s, remember?**

The reply came quickly, Peter was surprised his friend could type that fast, even considering they were from the generation that was basically born with technology in their hands.

**NL: My parents have to go visit my sister at college. Parent’s Weekend.**

Peter twisted his face in confusion.

**PP: Okay, well you can spend the night here. I’m sure Tony wouldn’t mind.**

He could practically feel Ned rolling his eyes when he got the response back.

**NL: I have the house to myself P. We could do whatever we want!**

**PP: I highly doubt Tony will agree to that, he and May have this weird pact. Somehow he knows ALL the rules.**

**NL: So don’t tell him.**

The four words bore into him. Lie to Tony? His mouth went dry.

It’s not that he was a perfect angel for Tony. They had become super close and their relationship had advanced to a point where Peter was comfortable teasing the older man. He could confidently tell him when he didn’t like something, sometimes they argued about the more over-the-top rules his mentor put in place for Spider-Man. But, he had never outright _lied_ to him before. Or _omitted the truth_ more like. May would tell him that those were the same thing. He had a feeling Tony would agree with her.

**PP: You realize you seriously just told me to LIE to Iron Man, right?**

**NL: Come ON Peter, this is the first time I’ve ever had the place to myself. My parents have never trusted me before!**

Peter wanted to laugh at the irony of that statement.

**NL: Plus I totally lie to my parents ALL the time when Spider-Man needs my help so...**

Peter sighed. Ned was good.

**PP: Fine.**

**NL: Awesome!!**

Peter closed his phone, resting it on his stomach and took a few deep breaths. He had to word this right. Tony was way too observant, and Peter was a terrible liar.

As if on cue, Tony was calling him about dinner. Great, he was going to have to wing it.

* * *

The smell of homemade lasagna filled the penthouse and Peter’s stomach growled wildly, even if he felt too nervous to eat. Tony’s lasagna was the best he’d ever had, and knowing that he loved it so much, the man made sure he made it whenever Peter stayed over for longer than a night. That thought made Peter feel guilty all over again.

“Hey kid, grab a seat, you get your homework done?” Tony smiled while plating their food.

“Yeah, and a few extra credit assignments as well.” It couldn’t hurt to butter the man up beforehand, and it wasn’t a lie either.

“Why do I even ask,” Tony shook his head proudly, “You’re too good, kid.”

_Don’t say that,_ Peter thought.

He seriously had to calm himself down. It’s not like the boys were planning to do anything wrong, anyway. His only crime would be that Ned’s parents wouldn’t be there. That was a dumb rule anyway, they were fifteen, after all. If Ned’s parents trusted him to stay home alone. Why did it matter if Peter stayed home alone with him? Honestly, it sounded safer that way.

_One teenage brain is bad enough,_ May had explained to him once when she left him on his own, _two teenage brains left to their own devices can only lead to trouble._

He was pretty sure May was babying him, seriously, he fought crime almost every night, how much worse could it get? Still, Tony would never back down from a May rule. Stupid co-parenting!

Either way, it was now or never, so when Tony approached the table and set Peter’s food down in front of him, Peter took a deep breath and spoke.

“So, Tony? Is it okay if I sleep over at Ned’s tomorrow night? I hate missing out on a lab night, but we have this dumb project we need to get done--”

“Tell Ned he can come here if you want, I can even help you! What’s the project?”

“Oh, no! I mean I wish, but no. We have to do it at Ned’s house.”

“Why?”

“Be- _cause_ , his dad has these really old... records. Family records. It’s a science project about DNA and _stuff_ , and well you know since I don’t really have any _blood_ relatives anymore, we have to use Ned’s family.”

That was pretty good fast thinking. _Good job Pete_! He mentally applauded himself.

Tony took a bite of his meal as he eyed the boy, “Okay, but Pete, you know if you need DNA records or something, I’m sure FRIDAY could find you something. I hate that you feel like you can’t do a project because your family’s a little different than most.”

Peter’s heart ached. Why was Tony so good to him?

“It’s okay, Ned’s excited, and the teacher said each pair only needs to use one person’s family. So... can I go?”

“His parents are okay with it?”

“Yep,” Peter answered quickly.

“Fiiiine. I’ll just sit here all on my own, tinkering, while Dum-E wipes the tears from my face,” the man joked, and Peter let out a relieved giggle.

“You’re so dramatic!”

“Takes one to know one, kid!”

* * *

The next afternoon, Peter and Tony were sitting outside Ned’s apartment, Tony having insisted on driving him there.

“You sure I shouldn’t go up and meet Ned’s parents? I don’t think I’ve ever introduced myself to them, and God knows Ned’s been at the penthouse enough times.”

“No, Tony, it’s fine. That’s like _super_ embarrassing. I’m _fifteen.”_

“Wow, I’ve suddenly turned into an embarrassing parent, huh? The hero worship has officially worn off? That hurts, kid.”

“Tooony,” Peter whined with a cracked smile, “Can I go now?”

“Fine, goooo. I’m probably supposed to tell you to behave and listen to Ned’s parents and all that, so, you know, do that,” he waved his hands around in explanation.

“I will, bye!”

“See ya, kiddo.”

Peter took off, entering the building and buzzing himself in.

“Hey, Ned,” he greeted when his friend opened the door.

“This is going to be awesome!” the other boy exclaimed excitedly, “I thought we could have a Star Wars marathon and we can eat those snack cakes that my parents never let me have, plus I’m pretty sure my parents left enough money for us to get two pizzas each, _and_ we’ll probably have enough left over for Dairy Queen later!”

Peter laughed at his friend’s enthusiasm, relaxing a bit, “I’m pretty sure we do all those things when your parents are here, Ned.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Ned agreed, “We’ll have to think of something else later.”

“Sure, just don’t forget, if Tony asks, we’re working on a science project, DNA, got it?” Peter reminded though he’d already explained everything to his friend over text the previous night.

“No problem, my grandpa had brown eyes I think, my mom has green.”

“Awesome research there, Ned.”

“So are you ready to start the marathon or not?” the bigger boy asked, pulling Peter toward the couch.

And that’s what they did. The boys watched their movies, ate their junk food, and before they knew it, it was late into the night.

“Hey, Ned, want a Coke refill?” Peter asked, shaking his glass in front of the other boy's glazed eyes.

“Yeah,” Ned got up, stretching his body out. “Hey, have you ever tested the amount of sugar the Spidey metabolism can take? Can you even get a sugar high?”

“No, I’m pretty sure it goes right through me,” Peter shrugged, grabbing another bag of chips, “Though May would say I have a constant sugar high, so who really knows.”

“I guess alcohol would have the same effect then, huh? Dude, you’re so lucky, you’ll be able to drink as much as you want and never get drunk!”

“Isn’t the getting drunk part supposed to be the fun part of drinking?” Peter sat back down, “If I can’t even get buzzed from alcohol, then what’s even the point?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

The boys settled back into their movie, mostly silence between them, until Ned spoke up ten minutes later, “You wanna test it?”

“Huh?” Peter replied, still distracted by the screen.

“The alcohol, Peter. We should test it. I mean it’s probably safer to do it now than when you’re at some college party, right? And when will we ever have this opportunity again?” Ned was getting excited now, and Peter set down his drink.

“We can’t let me get drunk _now,_ Ned. Tony would... kill me, probably. Then, May would resurrect me just to kill me again.”

“ _But_ , we don’t even think you’d actually _get_ drunk! So really we’d just be proving our theory right. And if we’re wrong, well, nobody’s here to see it. You’ll be sober by morning.”

Peter thought these facts over in his head for a minute. “I mean, I guess you’re right, I’m going to have to know eventually.”

“Exactly!!” Ned shot up, “Come on, my dad’s got some beer in the back room.”

Peter followed his friend, a nervous bubble settling in his stomach, though the excitement overruling it. He did need to know these things. It was in the good name of science. Plus, he _had_ told Tony they needed to work on a project about DNA.

They entered the back room and Ned handed him a bottle. Peter took it gingerly, examining the liquid inside. He carefully popped the top.

“Here goes nothing,” he took a long swing.

“Well?” Ned asked after a second. “What’s it like?”

“It’s pretty gross actually,” Peter made a face but was proud that he hadn’t embarrassed himself by spitting it out.

“Do you feel anything yet?”

The boy shook his head, “It’s going to take way more than one sip.”

So they sat, and Peter chugged, bottle after bottle. At some point, Ned’s curiosity had gotten the better of him and he downed one as well. Unlike Peter, after the first one, he already felt a little... fuzzy?

“How’re you feeling, Pete?” Ned asked when Peter’s ten bottles and Ned’s three were emptied.

Peter gave the question some serious thought before answering, “Warm. Just, I don’t know, content? Really happy.”

Ned picked up an empty bottled, swishing the few drops at the bottom around with intense concentration.

“My dad likes rum in his Coke. You think that makes the Coke taste any different?”

“We could try,” Peter shrugged lazily, “I’m pretty sure this is as drunk as I can get.”

To say this was a poor decision was an understatement, but to the already buzzed super-human and the basically drunk Guy in the Chair, the decision only made sense.

So, together they mixed some incredibly concentrated drinks and without realizing it the rum bottle was emptied as well. If it took them twenty minutes or an hour to accomplish that task, they wouldn't be able to say.

“Hey, you think you could teach me how to be Spider-Man?” Ned questioned, back pressed up against Peter’s as they leaned against a wall.

“Whaa? I mean, probably? How hard could it be? I practically learned overnight!”

“OH, teach me tonight and then tomorrow I can come on patrol with you. Oh my GOD, Peter, that would be SO cool.”

Peter nodded enthusiastically, “Here, put on my suit.”

It took him a few tries, but he was finally able to unzip his backpack and pull out the suit, handing it to Ned.

“DUDE, this suit is so skinny! I’m going to look so _skinny_ in this thing!”

“ _Right!_ It’s like, how do I even fit in it?” Peter’s eyes went wide, “Maybe I don’t? Oh no! What if the suit never actually covers my whole body and all this time my secret has been revealed!?”

“ _DUDE!_ Man, we better check after you teach me.”

“You’ll tell me the truth, right Ned?”

“Of _course,_ Peter! I’m here for you, man.”

The suit didn’t, in fact, fit Ned at all. Instead, he had the material pulled up to his waist and the arms tied messily around his neck. Neither teen seemed to notice the difference.

Peter stared wide eyes when he caught a glimpse of his friend, “You look great! I can’t believe you look better than me in my own suit! Wait until I tell Tony!”

When Ned pulled the mask over his head, the spider teacher got down to business.

“Okay, so like, just stick your hand to the wall and crawl up,” he waved his hands to make his instructions clearer.

Ned did just that. _Nothing happened._

“I think the suit's broken, man.”

Peter shook his head rapidly, “Nooo, maybe I usually run and jump at the wall? Try that!”

One broken vase and purple bruise later, the boys decided what the real problem was.

“You need to be outside!” Pete snapped his fingers together, “Of course that’s the problem!”

They eventually figured out their way down to the alley of the apartment building and not long after that Ned was standing on top of the dumpster.

“Try the web-shooters instead,” Peter suggested, “Swing from the dumpster to the roof, or maybe it’s supposed to be from the roof to the dumpster?”

Another few minutes later, the two teens were on top of the roof, overlooking Queens. “Okay, now this will work for sure.”

“I can’t believe I’m going to fly!” The suit-clad boy exclaimed into the night sky. He started to approach the edge of the building.

Seconds later, a very familiar sound filled the sky. Peter could have sworn he’d heard that sound before, but he couldn’t quite place where.

“DUDE! It’s Iron Man!” Ned yelled excitedly as Tony’s thrusters quieted and he landed next to the intoxicated teens.

“What in the _HELL_ is going on here!” he didn’t yell, though the angry tone sent a shiver through Peter’s drunken body all the same. “Peter Benjamin Parker, you better start talking. Right. Now. Because I was in bed at three o’clock in the morning, when I get an alert that not only is the suit active, but someone _that is not you_ is in said suit. Do you know what kind of panic I felt in that moment? And now I find you on the _roof_ and-- are you _drunk?”_

The man suddenly noticed the boys’ glassy eyes, and how neither of them could quite stand still _or straight._

“Tony, I’m teaching Ned how to be Spider-Man! Isn’t that great!? We’ll have another Avenger!” the boy spoke excitedly, though, in the back of his mind, he was pretty sure he was supposed to be feeling some other emotion.

“ _No,_ it is not _great,_ and we will not have another Avenger, because after this stunt you just pulled, you’re not going to be an Avenger for a _very_ long time!”

The boys blinked once, then broke into a laugh.

Tony sighed, talking to either of them right now was pointless.

“That’s it, _you,”_ he pointed at Ned, “Since your parents are obviously not home, does your grandma still live two blocks over?”

“Yes sir,” Ned saluted, “But please don’t bother her, it’s really late, she’s probably sleeping.”

“Oh really? It’s late, huh?” Tony bit back sarcastically, though he didn’t say any more. In the boys’ current state they couldn’t tell a lecture from a knock-knock joke.

Tony had a car sent to them and soon Ned was dropped off and Peter and Tony were on their way back to the tower.

“Tony,” Peter mumbled from the passenger's seat, “I think my senses are in overload, I’m going to throw up!”

“It’s not sensory overload Pete, you're drunk,” he reminded, though he passed the boy a bag all the same.

“I’m drunk? I thought my name was Peter!” that sent the boy into a fit of giggles and Tony merely rolled his eyes.

“You know, you’re pretty giddy for a kid who was just seconds away from throwing-- yep there it is.”

Shortly after the kid vomited out all his junk food, he fell asleep against the window. Tony only shook him awake when they arrived back at the parking garage.

“C’mon kid, I’m not carrying you, you gotta get up.”

“Mmmph,” he stirred, “Tony, I feel really, really, sick.”

“Yeah, I bet you do. That’s what happens when you drink your body weight in alcohol.”

Tony could already tell that the effects of the alcohol were wearing off of Peter, he made a mental note of that. The kid could get drunk, it just wouldn’t last as long.

With a lot of help from Tony, the two made it up to the penthouse, and as soon as they passed through the threshold Peter was racing to the bathroom to empty his stomach once again. That’s how Tony spent the remainder of his night, taking care of the kid while he vomited and catching a few minutes of sleep in between on the hard linoleum floor. Eventually, when Peter started to feel well enough, the two transferred to his bed and Tony didn’t wake again until eleven.

He was busying himself with making a large, greasy breakfast when Peter entered the kitchen about an hour later.

“How are you feeling,” Tony asked evenly when he saw him.

Peter ducked his head meekly, “Fine, great... normal.”

“Well it sure goes through you fast,” Tony noted.

“Tony I--”

“Nope,” the man waved his hand, “You’re going to sit here and eat this entire plate of food, then you’re going to eat a second. Then we’ll talk.”

The boy sighed, but sat down and ate all the same. When he swallowed the last bite of his food, Tony was pulling his plate away and ordering him into the living room.

“Alright,” Tony said with a sigh as he sat heavily on the couch, he looked exhausted. “What happened? I don’t want anything coming out of your mouth except the truth, kid.”

Peter fidgeted under his mentor’s angry gaze. Finally, he went into detail about the entire evening, from the moment he was dropped off until Tony found them on the roof. Though most of the facts after the drinking were a bit hazy to him.

“We really weren’t planning on doing anything wrong, Tony, I swear! We were just watching movies and eating junk food!”

“If you weren’t planning on doing anything wrong, then why did you lie about it?” It was an honest question.

Peter shrugged, “May doesn’t let me spend the night somewhere if there are no parents around and I figured--”

“You figured I’d know about that rule and tell you ‘no’ too?”

Peter nodded miserably.

Tony nodded back, “Well, you were right about that, Pete. Whether I agree with a rule, or not, it’s May’s rule and I will follow through with it. I think you boys just proved why that rule is in place in the first place.”

“So, let’s recap shall we? You lied to me about your sleepover with Ned, you drank an insane amount of alcohol without knowing the first thing about what it would do to you. _You’re fifteen._ Then, any sense completely overtaken by the alcohol, you let someone else _wear your suit_ , and you proceeded to be irresponsible with it.”

As the list progressed, Peter had trouble maintaining eye contact with the man, his gaze dropping to his oh so interesting lap.

“Peter, _look at me._ Are you aware that if I had not gotten there when I did, Ned could have killed himself? This isn’t a simple slip of identity, Peter. That could have happened too, but this is serious. You two were on a _roof_ , drunk out of your minds and neither of you had a brain cell between you to realize that _Ned doesn’t have you_ _r_ _powers!_ Do you see how dangerous alcohol can be?”

Peter was shaking and Tony felt bad for scaring the kid so bad, but he needed to. Something like this could never happen again.

“I know you’ve seen things about my younger days, things I wish I could have hidden from you. How I abused alcohol and _other_ things. It almost ruined my life. I did things while intoxicated that I’m not proud of, I drank myself into a coma. I didn’t care about my life. You _will not_ be like me. Do you hear me?”

A few stray tears fell from the boy’s eyes, though Tony was glad to see that he wasn’t sobbing. He hated seeing the boy upset, hated being the one who had to come down hard on him. This wasn’t his usual role. But, the fear from the previous night was all it took to know he was doing the right thing.

“I’m sorry, Tony,” Peter let his head fall into his hands and sniffled loudly. “I swear I’ll never drink again.”

“You most certainly won’t be drinking anything until you’re at least twenty-one, and you definitely will never be treating alcohol like that again, like a god-damned _game.”_

“Please don’t hate me.”

The words were whispered softly and Tony let his shoulders fall. He tapped the boy’s chin, requesting eye contact once more.

“I don’t hate you, Pete. That isn’t possible, now or ever. I just want you to realize how scared I was. Anything could have happened to you, and you being who you are, the risks are that much more dangerous. Do you know how I would have felt if something had happened to you on my watch? If anything happened to you, period?”

Peter gave a sad nod and Tony sighed. The boy had gotten the message, he was pretty sure of that.

“I was really looking forward to spending these next two weeks with you doing all sorts of fun things while May’s away, but unfortunately that’s not going to happen. You’re grounded for the next week. You will be doing _nothing_ , kid. School and homework and chores. I want your laptop, phone, game consoles. If it looks like any fun at all I want it on my desk, got it?”

The kid was absolutely deflated, Tony was too. There’s nothing either of them thrived on more than Tony/Peter time in the lab and movie nights on the couch.

“What about the suit?” it was obvious the kid was afraid to ask, but he wanted to know all the same.

“You keep the suit in your bag, but believe me when I say if you put it on for any reason other than a serious emergency, you _will_ regret it, understand?”

He nodded miserably. “I ruined everything,” he mumbled, hugging his knees close.

Tony pulled him into a hug, “Nothing is ruined. You made some bad choices, like any teenager. I’m just trying to teach you the consequences your actions can have for you. We’ll have a whole other week when your grounding is over. Let’s work hard to do better and hopefully we can enjoy that week, okay?”

Peter nodded again, “Do you still trust me?”

Tony’s heart broke, because he really wanted to say yes. Instead, he told the truth, “We’ll get there again. You’ll work on earning that trust back, alright?”

A sullen nod, “I really am sorry, Tony.”

“I know, kid, and you’re forgiven. Just promise me you’ll never do anything like that again.”

“I promise. Are you going to tell May?” Peter cringed at the thought.

“I’m going to have to, this is too big to keep from her, kiddo.”

Peter sighed, “Yeah... I know.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll remind her that you’re already being punished and we had a long chat about it. I’d prepare myself for another lecture if I was you, though.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of!” Peter buried his head into his lap miserably.

Finally, Tony allowed himself to let out a laugh, “You’ll live. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a few notes from last night that I’d like to discuss with Dr. Cho. You will go gather up your electronics, then I think you’ve got some work to do cleaning up the bathroom from last night.”

The teen groaned.

“Excuse me?” Tony raised his eyebrows.

“I mean, yes Tony, whatever you say.”

The man shot him a grin, “That’s what I thought.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please leave some feedback if you have the time!! I appreciate every comment and/or kudos!!!


End file.
